Voting Alert

Last week, internet users received an e-mail message about voting dates. This message went on to say that since such a large turn-out was expected, the voting had been divided into two days, Tuesday, Nov. 7 and Wednesday, Nov. 8. According to the message, Republicans were to vote on Tuesday and Democarts to vote on Wednesday.

This Message was Incorrect!

However, it was reported that early this morning in College Station, Texas, long lines of young men with closely shaven heads had formed outside the polling locations.

Nader Wins Big!

In the most astounding upset in the history of the United States, Ralph Nader was elected President yesterday by a huge margin of over 50 million votes. Nader vowed to stick to his platform of banning plastic baggies and giving a $1000 tax credit to everyone who rides a bicycle to work.

His oponents, Republican, George W. Bush and Democrat, Al Gore sent their congratulations. Gore vowed to help Nader, saying "After all I invented Global Warming." Bush returned to Texas to rest at his ranch, but planned to go back to Washington to try to convince Nader to open the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge to oil drilling.

According to Gore, his defeat was due partly to mistakes made during the three Debates. "I should have punched George Bush in the nose," said Gore. Govenor Bush replied, "it was the subpliminol.....er supbilm..uh sublinbol, oh, you know.... the Rat Ad that did me in."

Dallas Mayor Ron Kirk spoke out today against the members of the Dallas School Board. He asked for concerned citizens to step forward and run for positions so the present members can be outsted. The board, which was meeting to approve a $6,000,000 emergency appropriation to cover teachers' medical insurance shortfall, reportly were angered and dissapointed that Mayor Kirk no longer supports them. When asked about the employee who failed to read contracts and abide by state laws concerning bidding on the group medical insurance, one board member expressed faith in her performance. In fact, the board voted a pay increase for the employee, who already earns over $150,000 a year.

Woman is 125 years old

Miss Nadine Jones of Coventry, England celebrated her 125th birthday on Sunday by playing a game of badmiton with neighborhood children. When asked what she thought contributed to her longevity, Miss Jones replied, "Sardines, I eat a can of sardines for breakfast every day. And I don't believe in bathing. Too many unhealthy elements in the water. I just dust myself off with a feather duster each morning." Miss Jones has remained single her entire life.